The College Send-Off

My first college send off was in 2006. It was pretty traumatic—for me. My first born had decided to attend a college on the east coast when given the choice of multiple in-state colleges or one of the two 3,000 miles away.  We had actually encouraged him to venture out and experience something completely new in his life while he was financially supported.

I did what I suspect all mothers do to help their child and themselves make the college transition; repeated trips to , , the mall, sudden crying fits in the car when alone listening to heart-wrenching songs that have nothing to do with college but become a catalyst to let it flow. Think Harry Chapin and “Cats In The Cradle.” Of course, by the time we moms arrive home and the garage door goes up we carry in the bags along with our composure.

Although try as we may not to succumb to the other side of bittersweet, it’s there, along with the inexplicable joy of seeing our child anticipate their next big adventure. After all, this is what we’ve all been working towards—independence, the opportunities of higher education, less trips to the market to buy milk—again. I found it difficult to understand why I felt sadness when all I wanted and expected to feel was that joy and excitement which, in turn, led me to feeling confused and somewhat guilty. I believe this conflict also added to the heightened emotions.

What I didn’t want was this sendoff to be about me in any way. It should never be about the parent(s) but I did vent to my closest girlfriends who had gone before me and who understood ‘it’s a mom thing’. I thank God for my friend Lyssa who I called from the hotel room in Boston when I couldn’t catch my breath one morning knowing the goodbyes were but a few hours away and we'd be facing that long, lonely plane ride home with a void. I didn’t discount my husband's feelings in all this and he was very supportive but at that particular moment when he slipped downstairs to get coffee, I needed the comfort of a mom just to say, “I know. I know.”

My redemption came at a moment when my son was rooting around his stuff and it hit him he was going to be living in a bustling city, culturally diverse, relying on subway and taxi transportation, knowing no one, topped with an extremely rigorous academic agenda and wasn’t coming home until the winter break. He turned to me and said, “I hope I can handle all of this.” I turned my full attention to him with my body and eyes. “If Dad and I didn’t have all the confidence in you knowing that you could do this, you know we would have said something.” He knew, but he needed to hear it.  I could sense any residual remnants of self-doubt lift. Did I really think this? I did, but if I hadn’t my answer would have been the same. It was the best parting gift I could have given my son—confidence.

Three years later, our second and last child flew the coop to a California college. He'll be a junior this year. That initial transition for me was much easier although it left us with an empty nest. I don’t know if it was easier because he was in-state or because his brother led the way and I knew what to expect. Probably a combination of both but there’s a certain level of comfort knowing your child is in the same time zone. Silly but true.

Our eldest son, since graduated and back in our time zone, is a full-time graduate student working on his PhD who is only able to come home for a visit now and then as his program is year round. He has changed his address on his driver’s license, a sure sign ‘home’ is just for a short visit. He was here last week for one of those visits and is gone again.

Suddenly today, I can feel the air change as if it’s calling my last child away. This seasonal pull of collegiate life always catches me off guard no matter how many times I’ve experienced it. I like the denial days of summer and this one has been particularly pleasant. One thing I learned with this tug of war with my heart come September is to go with the flow when it hits. I am kinder to myself now. I realize the bittersweet mom feelings are natural and it’s surprising how quickly they pass once I see my child settle into his school year which usually happens before we schlep the last box into his room and we get the silent look that speaks oh-so-loudly, “OK. You can go now.” It’s the best parting gift my son could give me—confidence.

The official countdown to another lift-off begins and I feel that little twinge in my chest and tummy as I see the open suitcases laying on his bedroom floor along with a scattering of clean clothes. He'll be in his first apartment this year. Bed, Bath & Beyond, Target and the mall are calling to me. I wonder what’s on the radio?

Collegiate Links:

• Since conversations with collegians are notorious for the one word answer of "fine" or "okay" to your many questions, keep up to date with what's happening at Huffington Post—College.  Helpful articles for both parents and students and general knowledge of what's going down on the college scene. You'll seem so hip that your student will think you've installed a cam somewhere on campus.
• Did you know you can order anything at Bed, Bath and Beyond locally or on their website and pick it up at the store near the college?  Oh joy!  Enables you to see out of the back window while driving.  Bed, Bath & Beyond
• Everything you ever wanted to know about the college experience for both students and parents and even how to handle the naked roommate.  Resource books. Don't laugh.  It can happen. :)

"Rah!"